Josh
Tomorrow I have a birthday party. I hate my family. We only have four people come to all of our events: my grandma, grandpa, and Aunt Jen. Aunt Jen just comes because she doesn't have a job or a husband and grandma and grandpa are just old and don’t have anything else to do, so of course they come to everything. I’m not trying to take them for granted, but it just doesn’t feel the same. My cousins and I all used to go to parties together and celebrate each others’ birthdays, but now nobody ever sees each other besides the occasional Facebook post here and there. It’s like our lives got busy and everybody just drifted apart. I guess it makes sense that practically everyone else in my family went off to college before me and my sister, so of course they wouldn’t feel the need to talk to us, but it just disappoints me that they wouldn’t care to come to a swim meet of Jessica’s every once in a while or my birthday party. It’s whatever. I guess it was always inevitable. Okay, so I don’t hate my family. I just hate what’s happened to it. Same difference.
Frank
I came out here with the idea that I would start my own business. It’s always have a career or have a family, right? Well now I had a bunch of time for this stuff. But this place ain’t Disney and my dreams weren’t gonna come true anytime soon. I started up my own sandwich food truck, but apparently everybody loved the “Bacon Bacon Bacon Bacon” food truck way more and took away all of my business year after year. Stupid name, right? But they make a hell of a bacon wrapped sandwich. Well after that, I was left to find another job. I couldn’t open my own business after my last one went bankrupt and I obviously don’t have a college degree, so I started working for a temp agency. I hated it. But hey, money is money and I was paying the bills for myself with enough money left over for my fix everyday. It all worked out.
I loved your first paragraph, and it captures the disappointment very well. I felt a few of the sentences could be split into two. For instance, the sentence when you start off with "I guess...," was one I felt that would flow better as two. As for something I was wondering, does Josh not having any friends? You discuss everything about the family, but never talk about the friends. Other than that, I loved that paragraph.
ReplyDeleteAs for the second paragraph, I was wondering about why did he decided to make a food truck? Is there a reason he didn't go to college? I really like the overall ideas of the paragraphs. I would just like some clarification on those.
I like the atmosphere you create in the first paragraph and character's attitude of not caring. I felt like you used the phrase "of course" a lot to the point that it was almost too repetitive. I understand what you were trying to do and the atmosphere you were trying to create, but the placement of the phrase made the character come across as whiney in parts rather than a care-free, whatever individual.
ReplyDeleteIn your second paragraph I loved the comparison between the man's current predicament and how it's not Disney World. As a person who dislikes stereotypical happy endings, I like the result of your character's attempt to start a business and the fact that he realizes that sometimes happy endings don't come easily. Nice job.
You did a great job displaying Josh's disappointment and even indifference. There was some repetition in that paragraph, for example, using the word "just" and the phrase "of course" which back up his reasoning, but switch it up a little bit, too. One or two sentences seemed a little long and could maybe become two.
ReplyDeleteI really like both of the characters thought processes and how they ask themselves questions, especially in Frank's paragraph. You mentioned a competing food truck, but maybe that could use more depth. Does Frank know the owner? Have they ever tried to sabotage the other? The other two scenarios mentioned about Frank being a failed entrepreneur and obviously not having a college degree could use a little more explanation, as well.